Suppose Supposing

I admit, I though that I was going to have the review done earlier this week.  Given that said reviewed book was only about 250 pages and I was already a good hundred pages in, I really meant to have it done earlier in the week.  But c'est la vie.  Life has never really decided it wanted to cooperate that much.  That would be more of the wishful thinking aspect of life I believe.  That and I honestly was slacking a little in my reading because I knew that I could so easily finish it.  Oh well, there is really nothing to be done about the matter now and I can very proudly say that I have finished it and the that the review on Raising the Curve is up and ready to read for any of you who might find yourselves to be interested in it.

But my life is more than just reading.  Or it should be, though sometimes I think it would be nice if I could just focus on my reading.  It would be a lot more relaxing I can guarantee you that.  But that isn't what it's supposed to be about.  There are other aspects of my life.  Like my depression.  It isn't something that I like to talk about a lot.  I'm too afraid people will think that I'm trying to get attention because of it or that I'm lying or something else like that.  Whatever the case is, its something that I generally try very hard to hide.

It's probably also the reason I like candy so much.

Now that might seem like a leap in logic to some of you.  But really, there is a logic there.  You see, sweets release endorphins.  They make you happy.  That's why people usually enjoy eating them.  I use that to self-medicate especially when things are getting bad or I'm afraid that they might.  It's really not the best way to go about things, but going to the doctor isn't always an option and I really have this bad habit of not liking to spend money on taking care of myself.  I don't like buying shoes.  I don't like paying for medicine.  It's a really bad pattern, a worse habit.  Of course if my friends were to try and do the same thing I'd probably yell at them and when they realize what I'm doing they get on me.

Turnabout is fair play I suppose.

But that's why I love my friends.  They are there for me and I am there for them.  We've created our own little family of sorts.  We're all a little broken, but its okay because it helps us to understand the others.  We can see past the flaws that trip them up and they can show us that some things are worth living for if things get too dark.  It's a very real kind of therapy and a very real kind of family unit.  Some people say that family is the most important thing and I agree.  But I also think that sometimes we can't only count the family that we are born with.

Families argue.  They bicker.  Sometimes they know each other well enough to not really know each other at all.  When it comes to biological family there are certain expectations and for someone like me, it feels like I have never and will never meet them.  Whether that is true or not is yet to be seen.  When it comes a family unit of friends, however, the expectations become different.  It is not about pleasing everyone else or trying to find a way to see that you matter in their eyes because you already know you do.  When you pick friends for your family...you pick and you choose and in doing so, you show someone just how much they are really worth.

The Wonders of Stress

We all have stress.  I suppose that it's just something natural.  It's how we deal with it that matters.  It's kind of like anger or circumstances.  We all have to deal with them at some point, it's how we deal with them that matters.  And right now I'm thinking that I'm very good at avoiding them.  I'm very good at avoiding what I have to face in my life.  I don't like the thought of facing my mistakes and my failings.  Now don't get me wrong, I will own up to them.  I'm actually very good at that part.

Probably too good.

But once I've admitted to them, I want to move on.  I don't want to face them again.  It's not that uncommon either I think.  Who wants to admit that they screw up?  And it's even worse when you look at yourself and you can't see anything good.  You can't see things that should make you smile.  You can't see things that are good about your life.  All you can focus on is the bad.  All you can do is wonder why in the world you haven't ended everything.

And I have thought that before.  I thought it only an hour or two ago.  I'm not proud of that fact.  I'm not proud of knowing that I've contemplated suicide.  Not seriously.  I won't claim that, but the thought has flitted through my mind.  And it is something that frightens me.  It is something that I can't continue to deny either.  It, like many of my failings is something that I can't ignore no matter how much I desperately want to.  I'm not proud of the place I am at in my life, but I also know it's my life and that I still live it.  That's something I have to cling to desperately.

My friends will be surprised to read this of course.  Especially the ones who I was speaking to, but I won't deny it.  I just, couldn't bring myself to tell them.  I hide a lot.  I hide what I feel because expressing things verbally for me has never been easy.  There comes a point when you have to start speaking though however you can.  The problem is that we make a mistake in our society.  We believe that people should be strong and independent.  We shouldn't show off our problems.  And I think there comes a point where reaching out for help gets confused with being desperate for attention.

I don't want to be desperate for attention.

I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to stand there and demand that people look at me and pay attention to me.  And so instead, I just don't tell people.  I mean, I do talk about some of my issues, but I laugh them off.  I'm very good at insulting myself in a very roundabout way.  I have been for years.  And I just brush it off hoping that people just won't really notice it.  I want them to ask me what's wrong, but when they do, I just can't bring myself to tell them what is.  Instead, I just smile and tell them that I'm okay.  And I guess the fact that they're asking is good enough.

That's not the right view for life.

That's not the right view to keep a person sane.  I know that I need to get all of this out if not for my own sake than for the sake of others, but at the same time there is still a part of me that is afraid of admitting any of this.  I don't want people to realize just how bad off I've let my mental state get.  I'm afraid to see what people will say when they read this.  What they'll do.  And yet, there comes a point when you can't be quiet anymore.  And I've been quiet for a long time.  I mean, there are times when I've tried to speak up.  I've tried to explain the way I feel, but I always think I fail.  It gets brushed off or ignored and I let it.

I'd rather help everyone else and forget that I might have needs.

I'm really good at that actually.  That isn't to say I don't buy things for myself, but I don't necessarily buy things that will let me take care of myself.  I'm too afraid to invest in myself because I don't think I'm worth it.  And I know I have my friends who will tell me that I'm wrong.  They will tell me that I am worth it.  And I'll tell them thank you and put on a smile, but in the end, if I'm going to be honest, I don't really believe it.  If I believed it, maybe I would have finished college.  Maybe I wouldn't have gotten engaged.  Maybe I would have a novel published and selling on store shelves.

There are a thousand maybes.  A thousand possibilities.  And none of them are real.  They're things in the past that would have been affected by things I could have done.  Things that I haven't done.  And so I have to look at the things that are in front of me.  The things that are real and tangible.  The things that are with me now and that are ahead of me.  I have to be honest.  I would like to keep hiding behind everything.  I'm really good at that, but I can't.  If I keep hiding.  Things are only going to get worse.

And worse is not where I can allow myself to be.

And so, here I stand.  Or sit rather as I'm at my desk in front of my laptop.  But I'm trying to lay myself bare before my family, friends, and all those who care about me.  I guess you could call this my cry for help, for sanity because I don't know what else to do.  And I understand if no one replies to this.  If no one knows what to do.  I'm going to be honest and say I don't know what to do.  That's why I'm doing this.  I want to tell people things, but saying it out loud is simply too difficult.  I have to do it this way instead.

Mom, Dad. (And by Dad, I mean Tony), if you're reading this: I love you.  I love both of you so much more than I can ever say and I know that you guys want me back in Montana and that you guys are concerned with how I'm living my life, and there is some part of that that is probably fairly accurate.  I'm trying though.  And I want you both to know that I really do love you.  I just, I don't know how to talk to you because I feel like you're both judging me.  I'm not like you both.  I wish I could be, because you're both amazing.  You're smart, practical and accomplished.  I have and always will admire that about both of you.  But there are times when I feel as if you expect me to know everything, but that that everything has to be exactly what you want from me.  And I don't know what that is.  I want your encouragement but I'm so afraid to tell you what's going on in my life because I'm afraid that it just won't be good enough.  And I want to be good enough.

I guess that's the root of the problem, isn't it?  I can't see myself as good enough to anyone.  Especially not to myself.  And it's something I know I need to get over and sometimes I can.  Sometimes I can ignore it and push past it.  But it's only ever a temporary fix.  Reading a book.  Writing a story.  Helping a friend.  Playing a video game.  Those things, as wonderful as they are, only distract me.  I can't let go of them.  They're a part of who I am.  It's just that they're the only part of me.  It's the part of me that I use as a self-induced medication.  I'm afraid to take pills anymore.  I don't want that stigma on me.  Because when I take pills for my depression (and I am depressed, I won't deny it) I feel like it's just another way of saying there is something wrong with me.

And I don't want to be that.  I don't want to present myself like that.  I've been told for so long that if there is something wrong with me, I can't let people see it and it's driving me into a ditch and my situation lately has let me see that.  I have to do something.  I have to find a way to fix my life.

I'm at the point, I have a job.  I try to work hard at it.  I'm not afraid of that.  Hastings is a good place to work and my co-workers are good people.  But I also have to take a step back and evaluate my situation.  I'm in debt.  I probably will be for a long time.  There is no avoiding that unless by some miracle of God I win a ridiculous amount of money that would make me feel sick to think about.  I don't have a car that runs.  And that is something that shames me.  I should buck up and deal with the few weeks that I would be out the money to fix it, but I'm so afraid that if I do something bad will happen and I won't have any money to deal with it or that I'll go hungry while trying to cover everything else.

And the worst of all that I just can't stop thinking about: come February I might be homeless.  That's a thought that floors me.  It's something that I think about and I start feeling sick and afraid and confused.  I just don't know what to do.  My credit score is terrible.  I know that much.  I don't make enough money to support myself on my own.  I'd need another job and, of course, to do that, I would need a car.  As it is, I feel like a horrible person for always depending on other people to keep me afloat at all.

I guess that's all there really is to say.  I know that some of this might come as a shock to people, but I feel that I finally have to start being honest with myself and with the people around me.  I might not like it, but I'm not a child and I have to stop acting like one and hiding everything about myself.

Even if I really want to.